Introspection of Being 💞

Five years after I shyly opened my Instagram page feather_of_freedom, born out of a deep need to express myself to the World and a desire to share my writings, reflections, and observations — I’ve finally decided to launch my blog.

That Instagram page hasn’t been active for four years now, but the words are still there. They testify to a moment in time.

As I read the first public pieces written by that young woman, I remember exactly where they were written, when, who was there, and who was missing. I feel her pain, and I send her immense love and a long, warm embrace filled with support and strength — because I know how she feels, I know what she needs, and even more, I know how much she truly deserves all of it.

So much courage can be read between her lines — so much hope, enthusiasm, and persistence. A lion-strong heart beating loud and clear inside her soft chest. Every heartbeat a step forward — a triumph of divine love and the Spark she carries within. The Spark guiding her.

I remember that noise and silence in her mind at the same time.

The feeling of insecurity, inadequacy, loneliness, and wrongness.

How tired and sad she was, while her fighting spirit was stronger than ever. Giving up wasn’t an option, and she didn’t even know what rest was.

She was afraid to pause. To breathe. To switch off for a moment.

Afraid that if she fell asleep, she would never wake up from that dormant pain and sorrow.

She had to keep going.

She found her joy in kundalini mantras, books, teachings, and writing.

She dug a tunnel back to herself relentlessly.

With her hands, her legs, her bones, her teeth, and her nails.

She cried in silence, grieved, and mourned herself — her childhood, her wounds.

She felt ashamed of her own invisibility.

Most of the time, she stayed quiet.

That period of withdrawal began long before February 2020 — she simply wasn’t brave enough to name it before, even anonymously.

“Stories from the Closet — Through Dance to Personal Freedom” was written in her profile description.

And when I think about that infamous question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”, from where I stand today I can’t help but laugh out loud at the sheer banality and absurdity of such an idea.

Life is so unpredictable, so full, so alive — that our plans and rigidity collapse in front of it like a house of cards or a fragile line of dominoes, leaving us stunned and confused. We flail around for a while, trying to maintain the unsustainable structure of old patterns, pretending we have control — until we finally run out of excuses and are left with no option but to let go. Only then do we realize that the only thing we ever really have is HERE AND NOW.

Five years before February 2020 was my final year of university — my first real love, my first real heartbreak, my first job in the field and my first firing, my first encounter with the system and the harshness of life that I would face daily for the next five years.

Work and life on an overseas cruise ship, the psychological pressure of the environment, deep loneliness on the inside that wasn’t allowed to be seen on the outside, injustice and hurt that pushed me into depression, meaninglessness, suicidal thoughts, and hopelessness — a place I barely crawled out of. And then came the Awakening.

Between 2020 and 2025, I spent three years in a relationship in which I wasn’t happy, but which taught me invaluable lessons and showed me the difference between truth and illusion in love. I worked a corporate job I despised, discovered I had incurable epilepsy and then healed it, peeled layers of mud off my skin while meeting myself again, learned to say a clear “No” and an honest “Yes,” attended trainings, explored psychology and spirituality, gathered the courage to begin working with people and offering the support I once needed. I quit my job and left the martyrdom of corporate slavery, changed a few more jobs, returned to tourism, travel, dance, and sport, became a holistic coach and started my own business, met my current partner, and moved to another country.

Five years after 2020 — I live in Spain with a man I love, who is my greatest support. I speak a third language, I’m building my business, and I am consciously creating the life I want to live.

Was it easy? NO.

Was it worth it? Absolutely YES.

What has changed, essentially, is the way I see life, people, experiences, and opportunities.

Taking responsibility. Keeping my heart open enough to walk through each experience without becoming attached to it or trapped in suffering. Releasing the weight of the past and expectations of the future. Accepting myself and allowing myself to be, to live, to allow, to make mistakes. Choosing, consciously, a perspective that serves me better. Letting myself feel pain, but not identify with it. Respecting myself — my boundaries and my needs. Humility before Life. Gratitude before God.

I will write separately about the experience of moving to another country.

About being in a relationship with a partner from another culture, another language, another sensitivity.

About the challenges of separation, grounding, and adaptation.

And when it comes to building a business, financial unpredictability, investment, success and failing — make some coffee and get comfortable. The plot is just beginning. 😄

Until the next reading — I’m hugging you,

Iskra ✨